Recently, I’ve undergone a pretty major life change. I left my job without a new one, without a real plan, for the first time since adulthood. I have peace about that decision, but I am still processing it.
I have wrestled with posting, feeling a bit like a hypocrite, saying one thing and doing another. As I have never claimed to be the role model or person who has it all together, I figured it time for me to be transparent with you all. I have been fighting some demons lately regarding my weight. I have been struggling with fitness, knowing it is so much harder to do what I want with this extra weight. I’m back to being active regularly, and that part feels good. However, I know as far as weight loss is concerned, 90% is food choices. I want to lose the weight, but I don’t know how much I really want it.
I tried to deny it for years, but food has been a crutch, a comfort, and an addiction for me. In the midst of life changes, it’s what I where I want to turn in order to help with the feelings. It’s subconscious more than intentional. Yet, here I am, standing again between what needs to be done and actually doing it. I am reminded of the scripture in Romans 7:15, “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do, I do not do. But what I hate, I do. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate. For I do not understand my own actions.”
I want to make the right choices. I know what I need to do in order to lose the weight. I know eating those chips, that piece of candy, is going to hinder me. And yet, I make those choices. I keep experimenting with different eating strategies to help jump start my weight loss. This week, I have attempted intermittent fasting (16+8), but I don’t think it’s going to work with my workout routine being in the morning. I’m just too hungry and don’t have enough energy. And yet, fad diets, pills, none of them are going to get to the root of what causes me to make my choices.
I am not writing this post with advice or answers. I am trying to find them. Having lost over 100 pounds now multiple times in my life, I know I am capable. I have sustained about a 15-20 pound loss since my reboot in early April, but I have been at a mental block that is keeping me from moving forward. I know that I am in the middle of major life changes, and I am trying to be kind enough to myself. At the same time, I don’t want to make choices now that I will regret later.
I don’t know what has compelled you to read this. Maybe you’re my friend, and you’re reading in support. Maybe you are trying to find answers in your own wellness journey. I started this blog after having lost a significant amount of weight for the second time after my lapband surgery. I was at the lowest weight I’ve been in my entire adult life. Now that I’m in the journey again, I want to be transparent with my struggles. When you see someone who has lost weight, it’s easy to see their victories. What I see is the daily mountains they have overcome.
I am hoping a year down this journey, when I’m hopefully much closer to my goal, I can look back and find triumph in what I have conquered. You aren’t alone in this, and I know I am not either. Be kind to yourself, and I will do my best to do the same. Through good choices and bad, we are all still just a work in progress.
A Work in Progress 