Trying…not Trying…

Not going to lie, the main reason I haven’t been publishing much these past couple months has been from guilt. Alas, none of you are here to judge, and my main objective of creating this blog was to be transparent in hopes other people might relate, and so here I am!

This is the second time I’ve been pregnant, and both times have been in somewhat similar circumstances. I lost a significant amount of weight over a fairly lengthy amount of time, all the while feeling the pressure of continuing to either lose or maintain until actually conceiving. Both times after getting pregnant, I have proceeded to lose my mind when it comes to food.

The first trimester is a bit of a bliss in which I can eat all the junk and the scale doesn’t reflect it. I redevelop all the bad habits that got me to my original high weights without the consequences. Enter second trimester, and now the scale is starting to better reflect my eating patterns.

My first pregnancy, I was still a rockstar at the gym, working out 5-6 days a week. This time, I felt so terrible for the first 14-15 weeks that I fell completely out of the routine, and if I can make it to the gym a couple times a week that’s a huge victory.

So here I am, a place I’m sure many of you have found yourselves. I feel like the apostle Paul in Romans 7:15, “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.” Granted, in the moment, I obviously don’t hate the food I’m eating, and I’m enjoying that extra sleep I get in the morning in lieu of exercise. I know in my head that I need to eat better and move more. I know in my head exactly what I need to do. It’s that process of translating thought into action that is the challenge.

I love my current life situation – I live across the street from my grandmother, and we spend a lot of time at her house. What I don’t love is the insane amount of junk food around her house and how my self control goes completely out the window as soon as I walk in the door. I’m pretty good about keeping junk out of our house, but as much time we spend there, even if I have a perfect day, I’ll often sabotage myself in a matter of minutes after arriving.

I understand the root of my challenges. My “why” doesn’t outweigh my “why not”. While trying to conceive, my “why” was always in front of me, pushing me forward, keeping me honest. My “why” turned into routine and good habits. And even though I understand in my head and heart that it’s better for the baby for me to eat well and move more, it’s so hard for me to break those patterns.

If you’re still hanging with me throughout this post, maybe you have some things that have worked for you for breaking bad habits, and I’d love to hear them. For me, it’s going to take some basic steps. I’m making new habits, new routines. It’s still hard for me to get up early in the morning with the pregnancy, and at night I’ll still occasionally feel like junk, so I’m planning different times to exercise.

I’m off Mondays and Fridays, so I’m going to start making a point of exercising during the day, preferably after dropping the boy off school. My mom picks up my son from school the middle days, so I’ve asked if she can watch him a little longer on Tuesdays and Thursdays for me to hit the gym after work. Thus far, I’ve only really had the energy for 30-40 minute workouts, but it’s something. I hope to rebuild my stamina back to an hour, but I know it’ll take time.

As for food, I’m still struggling, but at least I’m starting to make some better plans. I’m getting back to cooking at least a couple times a week, and when we pick up food, I’m trying to make better choices overall. I’m trying to cut my chocolate milk from two glasses to one a day. 😀 My biggest challenge this pregnancy has been not wanting leftovers, which up until the past 4 months have been my life. I keep modifying and adjusting, and eventually I’ll get there.

Thank you for making it to the end of this post! I know I set out with this blog to show the ways that I’ve been striving to be a healthier person, and honestly, this past few months have been a slump in that. At the same time, I’ve never claimed to be perfect, I just continue to be a work in progress.