Day 29

Trigger warning, especially for the gents.

Today was day 29 of my cycle. As I’ve mentioned before, my main motivation for having weightloss surgery initially, as well as getting the weight off again, has been in hopes of pregnancy. I have been averaging closer to 25 days, and the last time I went 28 days was June of 2018. I did take a home pregnancy test yesterday, which read negative, and I believed it. Finally, this morning, Aunt Flo has arrived, confirming that thought. (Though not before another dream of a positive test.)

I am doing my best to stay numb to this. We are only on month 3 of “trying” again after a long hiatus. We had previously tried for a year and a half, and I promised myself that I wouldn’t wrap so many of my thoughts and emotions around it this time around. The break was really good for me, and so far I’ve been better.

But it’s just hard. It’s frustrating. I remember twice in our last attempts being a little late and being convinced I was pregnant. Fortunately, I did not feel so convinced this time around and thereby am not as crushed.

Ever since we started trying, I have had a plan as to how to let my husband know that I am expecting. Every time I think there’s a chance, I mentally start figuring out the logistics of how to do that. It’s silly, I know. But it is what it is.

I promised to be open and transparent with this blog, and so that’s what I’m doing. I know I am blessed beyond measure. I have so many friends who have struggled with infertility just to get pregnant once, who endure countless tests, injections, hormones, etc. I have been fortunate to never have had a miscarriage. I have a beautiful healthy son.

Yet it’s still hard. I have a circle of friends from church who have all struggled with getting pregnant with number 2, and I just got word that the last one passed the first trimester mark. I absolutely celebrate with them. I am overjoyed for them. It’s just hard to not feel left behind.

It’s been a stressful month, which I’m sure has contributed to my tardiness. I know we’re not that far into the “trying” game this time around, and it takes an average 6 months to a year. I know these things in my head. I just need to transfer them from my head to my heart.

I don’t have any suggestions to others going through the same thing. I just write this so that you know you aren’t alone. Secondary infertility is a term I didn’t know existed until recently. I know there are avenues through which we can go to get help when we’re ready for it. Until then, I’m going to make the most of today. I have a much needed lunch date with a dear mentor of mine who I haven’t seen in over a year. I have a beautiful life, the sun is shining, and today is another day!